Monday, September 20, 2010

The beachside church is the place I have intermittently been attending down here over my past visits. Now that I am here, I have gone the past couple Sundays.
Their service is very modern compared to the country church I attend in Liberty, yet I have found myself drawn toward coming back each Sunday.
The service begins each Sunday with music and I would liken the "band" to Coldplay. The stage they have created is incredibly beautiful; dark with hanging antique lightbulbs and varied lamps.
I'm not sure who the director of music is, but young, hip, with what looks like a $90 haircut. All the guys who play with him follow suit.
Yesterday, the ending song had the verses, "Holy, Holy, Holy. God in three names. Blessed trinity"
This morning in my early thoughts, I was meditating on that. God in three names. My church upbringing lets me know: Father, Son, Holy Spirit.
Its interesting for me to consider these three elements of my faith. I think oftentimes people think of Christianity and they visualize a dying, bleeding Jesus hanging from the cross. Not pretty, not hopeful. Yes, this is the deciding factor that separates, Christians from others, yet this is only one element.
Yesterdays song service was a true representation of the Holy Spirit. I was once again, like I am in so many services moved to tears. Of course, like I said the music is pretty amazing, but as I looked around at all the people singing along and the hands I saw raising in the air, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by emotion. I always almost sort of laughed at people who would raise their arms in church as a child. My pessimistic, sarcastic teenage self found this to be tacky and generally "south". Yesterday, I found a new understanding of what this is.
These people were so moved by the holy spirit, by the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost that they lifted their hands up to him in order to reach closer. Its kind of like Mick Jagger singing "Shine a Light" in a sense.
When the lights came up for the sermon the pastor made comment on our praise/song time. He said in his casual way, "well that was... moving. You know this doesn't happen every Sunday. This really oftentimes is about what we bring to this spot. It doesn't happen like this every Sunday and even not in each service this morning."
I felt so moved by the visual of seeing people lifting their hands up yesterday, not only because I understand what that means to want to be closer to God, but to see others experiencing it just brought tears to my eyes.
Prayer has been on my mind lately. What it means to pray. How to pray. What to bring to God.
The pastor spoke about prayer for a bit yesterday. He took me to scripture, Ephesians, Acts, I John. One of the scriptures that brought me back was "ask for whatever it is that you want, in the name of the Father, and I will give it to you." This concept was beyond comprehension for me at the time I first heard it. Yet, as time goes by, I find it to reign true.
God does give what we ask for. The only thing required is to ask.
This morning with my early thoughts, I traveled back to a prayer I repeated for many months. "Lord take this away from me." It was at the time a prayer of desperation. Not fully even understanding what I was asking for. Today, I can solidly confirm that prayer was answered.
When I think about the trinity, I think of a new prayer. It relates to faith.
I find my mind so tempted to travel back lately. To look in the rearview and rewind. Today my prayer is not a Zen "live in the moment" prayer, but one that asks me to look forward. Almost a fast forward button replaced by a rewind. I think it is so easy for us to look back. We have a reference point. But to look forward proves more difficult. We don't have a reference, the only symbol can be a calendar. But how do we look forward when we have no idea what it is we are focusing upon?
This is my prayer today. To allow faith and my acknowledgement of all that God is to give my mind the capability to open itself toward forward.

Saturday, September 18, 2010








Going Home. part deux.

They say you can never go home again.

After nearly two years in the mid-coast of Maine I decided it was time to go again.
I felt I'd landed there only to gather and take a break. Never my choice, but a choice made for me, I loved the sea and the beautiful forest surrounding. After two years, I still find myself longing for a place to call home.

The idea of a winter with no snow or darkness, plus sun and surf lured me in, along with the grand potential for a job. In the past couple years I have become very adept at gathering my belongings and living out of a duffel bag. This current move happened in 2 days, and I have found myself back in a place I haven't lived for 15+ years.

This past week has been pretty intense. The looming thought that a life cannot be created over night and how much time it actually takes to earn a place to call home has been on the forefront.

Old thoughts and experiences have surfaced in my dreams, and I have been struggling with my choice. Was this in my plan? Was this anything I ever dreamed of? No. Moving back south was never a thought. But one thing I do know, is that when something is not working, try something else.

I came across an interesting interview with Rhianna the other day that has sat with me. Yeah, Rhianna. Amazing where little answers can be found. When asked about her struggles and how she got through, she responded, "My friends and family were phenomenal. But there comes a point when it is just you. And that is when you get to know God."


I have known this firsthand to only be true. This past week has been spent in much prayer and meditation. I have a desire to let time give time. Time has been such an amazing gift for me. When I think of where I was two years ago and where I am now, I am not completely satisfied, but feel blessed. The path is not clear yet. I still miss my home. Very much. But as time goes on, I find myself coming closer to another vision and another idea of what it is I want. The home I think of is no longer my home. It is up to me to find another. I have been on this path for awhile now.

This in-between finds me grateful, thankful. Anxiety no longer exists for me. I breathe freely. God has stood by my side through and through. His plan for me is not yet clear, but it is working.

I'm not sure one can go home? But I feel I am working toward making a home I have not known for a long while now. With that I feel free.

Her ways are of pleasantness and all her paths are peace. ..